Fly north to Nova Scotia and turn right...

Since my last entry, I've flown to Germany and back. Via Delta I flew from Florence to Atlanta, via Lufthansa from Atlanta to Frankfurt, then via bus from Frankfurt to Mosbach where the January GO (Global Orientation) Conference of Operation Mobilisation was taking place. It took over 24 hours start to finish, with only a few short naps on the plane. That was a looooong day!

Ten days and several adventures later, especially about my sprained ankle and torn ligament caused from falling down several steps my first day in Mosbach (I'll write about that separately), I traveled one full day via bus from Mosbach to Kiel with the new OM Ships mission recruits, an enthusiastic, lively group, where I spent six days aboard the Logos Hope.

Arriving after dark and leaving before daylight, I really didn't get to see this gorgeous view of the ship from the outside. But I can tell you one thing,it is BIG. B-I-G!! The gangplank looked a mile high to me, and it did enter deck five so it was pretty tall. Helpful hands in front and in back got me up (and down on departure day), thank goodness.

I had more adventures there! After touring four decks my first day and having more aches and pains in my foot, the ship doctor said the sprained ankle was now infected and wanted to put me on antibiotics, five days of bed rest, no walking much, no more touring the ship, no ship stairs, and at first she said no flying! (I'm thankful for the tiny ship elevator, stuck door and all - I had an escort up and down because of that.) After explaining I was only there for a week, she relented to half-day bed rest, keeping my foot elevated the rest of the time, and flying home at the end of the week.

The Lord provided me excellent care by way of one of the ship project workers, Geri Weirich, who took it upon herself to assist me every day until I left. I would have been "up the creek without a paddle" without her help. Truly.

Then via car to Hamburg, via Lufthansa airlines to Frankfurt. Bad weather resulted in a missed connection to Atlanta, so Lufthansa paid for me to stay overnight in the posh Sheraton Hotel adjacent to the airport, complete with wheelchair and attendant. It would have been a mite more enjoyable without the achy foot and with clean clothes, but the room and the food were super first-class.

The next day, Lufthansa left on-time to Atlanta without any further delays or problems. I can't tell you what a relief it was to have Lufthansa personnel look after me, making all the necessary arrangements to take care of me. Wonderful wheelchair and attendants everywhere got me where I needed to go every time and I am so grateful to the ship personnel for making those arrangements.

Lufthansa couldn't control the weather and they didn't cause the delay, but they tried every way possible to make up for the inconvenience. Vouchers for meals (which I ordered by room service, feeling too grungy to appear in the nice restaurant), big screen television complete with old English murder mysteries, etc., etc. made my stay a lot more pleasant than the last overnight delay caused by Delta and paid for by me, myself and I. Here's a photo I took through the airplane window as we ascended over Frankfurt on sunny Sunday morning.

Finally, after three gate changes, Delta took me home from Atlanta to Florence, minus one important piece of luggage containing my prescription medicines, which was delivered to me only 24 hours later. I was fortunate. Some folks' luggage didn't arrive at all in Florence, none of it. All those gate changes... par for the (Delta) course.

Prayer is a must when traveling as I know very well, confirmed and emphasized and stressed quite a few times on this trip. I'm tired of airlines, airports, delays, lost luggage, just plain tired physically and mentally and emotionally. But the Lord encouraged me and enabled me to do most things, I saw a lot of beautiful German countryside, met a lot of great people, did a lot of good interviews, took lots of photographs, and now I'm ready to start writing stories.

As I traveled, I kept thinking how much better it would have been with Tim along. But the Lord kept reminding me that Tim can see everything I see now, he enjoys witnessing my travels and adventures right along with me, and we are still partners though in different stages of our lives. What a wonderful thought.

Learning contentment...

In his thank-you letter to the Philippians, the apostle Paul states that he has learned to be content no matter what state he is in. He goes on to say that he can do everything through him who gives him strength – that is, the Lord. He thanks the Philippians for sending him some support, saying that he is now amply supplied, and then he adds “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” (NIV)

This section of Philippians 4 has to do with our attitude, whether we have everything we need or whether we don’t. And what is our attitude supposed to be, when we don’t have food or clothing or rent money?

I know what the attitude of many of us would be. Panic. Fear. Anger. Anger at God, who we feel has let us down. Didn’t God know we needed money? Job security? Good health? Stable marriage? Well if he knew it, why didn’t he do something about it? And so we’re angry at God. We're definitely not content!

Paul didn’t say how long it took him to learn to be content, but it did take some learning for him and I’m certain it takes some learning for every believer.

I remember the days when with clenched teeth I spiritually "yelled" at God, I WILL learn to be content, I WILL. And eventually I did, but it wasn't easy.

Over the years, especially this last year, I've found this is a lesson that has to be repeated occasionally.

Tim has a new pet in heaven

Smokey, Tim's pet, had to be put to sleep Thursday, December 20th. She was 16-1/2 years old and we'd had her since she was about 6 weeks old. The last week or so she'd gotten to feeling bad, didn't play with her companion and niece, 14 year old Misty like usual, didn't really want to do anything except lie down, and then the last couple of days Smokey didn't want to eat. I don't know if she was even drinking anything. I took her to Hewitt's Animal Hospital and veterinarian Amanda Lewis examined her, drew blood, then x-rayed her. Smokey's belly and chest cavity seemed to be filled with fluid, so they drew some off with a syringe. It was all blood. She was extremely anemic and had lost a lot of weight. The vet couldn't tell me where the blood was coming from, just that Smokey was extremely sick. There just weren't any good options. The probability was that a tumor was eroding a blood vessel in her abdomen. At her age, exploratory surgery would require a specialist in Columbia to perform, and even then there was a low likelihood of finding something treatable. The only kind, compassionate thing to do was to put her to sleep.

I was so horrified and grief-stricken that I just broke down. I called Shelby and she came down to be with Smokey and me, we held her and talked to her, stroked her head and told her she was my pretty girl, and the vet gave her an injection. One little breath and it was over.

I had thought maybe Smokey needed insulin again or perhaps an antibiotic, but nothing really too serious. She'd been so strong, so beautiful, except for a supposedly benign growth on her lower lip -- now I have to wonder if that growth was indicative of other internal growths or tumors. The vet had told us several years ago that it wasn't anything to worry about, it probably wouldn't heal up if they tried to remove it and it didn't interfere with Smokey eating or drinking.

Smokey had been Tim's pet for the last several years, always sitting on top of Tim's talking book machine on his desk (where it was warm) or in his lap. After Tim died, Smokey grieved right along with me. She wouldn't even get up on his desk, although I left the book machine there for a while before returning it to the Library for the Blind. She wouldn't go into his office and sit on his windowsill or anything, just seemed to revert to me, wanting to be in my lap if I was in the living room, or by feet if I was in my office.

Last night I could hear Tim telling me how beautiful Smokey is - is, not was - and that she's strong and healthy, able to go in and outside at will, looking all around her new home and getting used to being there. In my mind several months ago I'd seen Tim running across a field, playing with his white German Shepherd Star. Now I'm seeing Tim petting Smokey.

Misty came and sat in my lap Thursday for almost the first time, even before I took Smokey to the vet. She seemed to know that Smokey was sick. Misty had never wanted to sit on anyone's lap before, although she would sit by my side on the chair or down by my feet in the recliner. And she usually sleeps on the bed beside me. From Thursday afternoon until now, she's quietly, softly walked from room to room, looking for Smokey. I talk to her and try to play with her as much as possible.

She and Smokey had sort of a stand-offish relationship. They chased each other around the house, spit and clawed occasionally, but then would call a truce and lie down near each other. Smokey usually let Misty eat first, although sometimes Misty would just back up and let Smokey get to a food dish first. Misty was the offspring of one of Smokey's sisters and they were shaped alike, medium sized, sleek, Siamese type -- Smokey's mom was a full-blooded seal point.

I really miss having Smokey but if there are pets in heaven, and I'm sure there are, then she and Tim are back together.





Smokey was solid black, Misty is solid gray.

Visions

Ora Lee has had several "visions" or hallucinations lately, seeing Tim, Theron, and her mom standing together and looking over at her, as if to say, we're waiting for you. It's not unpleasant for her, rather sort of comforting. She never sees her dad or anyone else, for that matter. But these three people are those who have loved her the most and who she has loved the most, here on earth. I have no doubt that they are indeed waiting to welcome her.

There will be a lot to do, see and absorb when she arrives there. I don't think she has any idea of just what excitement and joy she's in for at that moment, but she is looking forward to it more and more these days.

After being in the hospital three days again last week for more IV treatment with Lasix (third time in the last month), she returned to health care at Bethea on Saturday evening. Bryan and Sam, T.C. and Olivia, Angie and Liam, as well as Dale, were all there. The "Come to Bethlehem" event was going on at Bethea and Dale was very involved in that so it was good that Bryan and everyone else were there.

Ora Lee has now signed a DNR order - do not resuscitate. She says she is tired of hospitals, and since there is very little they can do to help her now I can understand that. Her kidney function has gone downhill a lot in the last month and she is having more and more problems with fluid retention, including around her heart.

Tonight is the Christmas Dinner at Bethea and Ora Lee invited John and me to come as her guests, and Dale said this morning that she was going to try her best to be at the dinner. I sure hope she can.

Imagine "Friar Tuck..."

The other night I was meditating and praying about whether heaven has any kind of entertainment... you know, plays, movies, books, etc. , and an interesting scenario began playing out in my mind.

I was totally fascinated as I was given a glimpse of a group of people talking and laughing among themselves. After watching them for a while, here's what I concluded.

Heaven is definitely not boring. There is laughter, fun, joy, playing, singing, dancing, and even drama. Serious drama and comedy!

People don't become all-knowing just because they're in heaven. Some have been there for hundreds, even thousands of years, and they still don't know everything. They have to learn the scriptures, just like we do. They have to learn self-discipline, and worship, and getting along together, and how to do certain kinds of work and assignments.

There are classes and workshops, auditoriums, laboratories, libraries, universities, archives, studios, theaters, amphitheaters, cathedrals, concert halls and rehearsal halls, low-tech and high-tech everything. All in addition to the Throne Room and individual homes and villages and rolling hills and seas and lakes and the wonderful city full of activity, both above ground and below ground.

There's continuous learning and inventing and trying-out and practicing, improving and modifying, and just plain having a fascinating, exciting and fulfilling life. Everyone's work assignment from the Lord is designed especially for him/her and changes from time to time. Nobody ever gets bored or sad.

So back to my question about entertainment. First I was given a little lesson about how some things are taught, scriptural things and historical things. Some past events are portrayed in holographic-type skits, designed and sometimes even performed by those who were there at the time.

Newcomers who want to know what it was like in the days of Elijah can go see a reenactment of his miracles, Elijah himself explaining and describing what they're seeing! Now that would be worth getting in line for.

So what does all that have to do with Friar Tuck? I asked the Lord whether all this was strictly for educational purposes, or was there ever anything fictional, you know, just for fun. For entertainment.

And then in my mind I was taken to a Robin Hood play rehearsal, to be performed by a group of folks just for their own enjoyment -- a "limited engagement." It was hilarious. Modern-day believers, most of them, had no idea what to do with some of the props. They had researched and created what looked right, but they'd never worn clothing like that and they looked so funny getting into costume.

The funniest was the fellow playing Friar Tuck -- nobody in heaven is overweight, you see, but every Robin Hood movie I've ever seen shows Friar Tuck as roly-poly. Pillows? No pillows handy. Some other kind of stuffing -- layers of clothing, maybe? It was like some skinny fellow playing Santa Claus in a shopping mall.

Everybody was having a wonderful time with this rehearsal, laughing at themselves and each other. Then I asked -- so, Robin Hood was really a fictional character, wasn't he. Here's what I heard in reply:

Well, actually there was a "Robin Hood" but he was more than one person. He was a composite character, many people written up in English traditions as just one for the sake of the story. Lots of embellishment was added as the years went by.

And the various "Robin Hoods" weren't all honest, either. Some of them robbed the rich and gave to the poor today, but then robbed the rich and kept the loot for themselves the next day. Still, the traditional story had a nice moral to it, good triumphing over evil and all.

These actors were going to play it that way, if they ever got their costumes on and started the rehearsal! One of these days I'm going to ask the Lord to show me their finished production.

Thanks Giving; "Think" Giving

Setting apart one day a year to Giving Thanks is not just an American tradition, other countries do it too, thanking God for many things - food, clothes, family, freedom, houses, cars, jobs. As I look back over the past few days, I realize that we often give thanks for what we've got from one side of our mouth and complain about what we haven't got out of the other side of our mouth. I'm just as guilty of that as anybody else.

This year Tim's mom Ora Lee was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving -- just as last year, Tim was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. It was a horribly bittersweet memory.

She was suffering from fluid retention, her legs very swollen, her heart and kidneys showing the signs of disease. That's what was happening to Tim last year. Sympathy ailment? No, she really does have heart disease and her one kidney isn't working 100% well.

Ora Lee had been in the hospital a few weeks earlier with the same symptoms, treated with IV Lasix, her medications adjusted and she was doing much better, everyone thought. She was looking forward to being with her family down at the Hemingway farm on Saturday after Thanksgiving.

But the improvement didn't last long, the same symptoms returned, so back to the hospital for more IV Lasix, more medication adjustment. She's back home at Bethea again now, released yesterday morning, but not feeling quite strong enough to make the trip down to the farm. So most of her family that were at the farm have been up to see her instead, which works out better for her.

In the back of my mind, I can't help but remember last year, and the "thinking" is requiring some discipline. The Lord (and I believe Tim) keeps telling me, just get through it and get past it, and the way to do that is by frequently reminding myself, "Look forward, not back."

I went out this afternoon, planning to go to Hobby Lobby and buy a few plastic or silk poinsettias to take to the cemetery, but they're closed on Sundays. Good for them. So I went to Toys R Us instead and bought Liam a birthday present. He'll be 3 on December 11th. I got several stuffed toys - a gray life-like, life-size bunny rabbit, a solid white one, and a soft stuffed Ratatouille toy - Emile the Rat.

I'll send Liam one of those (probably the gray rabbit) along with a card and a check so Angie can use the money to help with his birthday party. I'm not sure what I'll do with the other toys, but they were so cute I couldn't resist. Especially Emile!

I remember a stuffed life-like, life-size dog (terrier) I got one year, and how much that one toy meant to me. I'm not sure how old I was, probably still in grammar school. I talked to him like I would a person. Dolls didn't seem life-like, so although I enjoyed playing with dolls, that stuffed dog was a bit more important. I have no idea what happened to it over the years, but I thought about that dog and his being very life-like in size and appearance when I saw the bunny rabbits.

Liam has so many toys he probably won't really appreciate this one, but I'll like thinking about it being there in his collection.

Last year, Tim got a chance to talk to Liam on the Tuesday before he fell on Wednesday, although the conversation between Tim and 2-year old Liam was a bit hard to understand. He'd had a birthday party and Tim was asking him if he'd had a good time, that sort of thing, and Liam chattered away in 2-year old.

Tim was very glad he'd had the chance to talk to him on the phone, because we had not been able to go down there. Tim was simply too sick still for us to drive to the beach.

This year Tim can see Liam, he can even attend the birthday party and watch for himself how much fun he has, and that's something I can think about with a smile.

I do give thanks that I know where Tim is, that he's healthy, very busy, observing and interceding for me, for Angie and Vernie, Bella and Liam, Ora Lee and all the rest of the family, and that we're still a team.

That's always something good to think about.

It's hard for me to look forward to the holidays...

I'm having a hard time looking forward to the holidays suddenly. Christmas decorations are going up in the stores, some even went up before Halloween. Now Halloween is over, Thanksgiving is coming up and suddenly it's hard for me not to be sad. I'm having to work at it.

Whenever someone asks me how I'm doing I try to always say "I'm doing good." And that's usually true, whether I feel good physically or emotionally or not, my spirit is usually okay. I know the kind of life Tim has now and in some ways I'm very jealous. He has no worries and no pain. He has so many friends and family to spend time with, besides having Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit to "bum around with." And he has quite a lot to do, varied activities and assignments that are fascinating and wonderful.

Last year this time Tim was having more and more trouble physically, his heart and breathing were giving him more and more problems, and although he tried really hard to always be upbeat and cheerful, I knew he didn't feel good. He developed a cold, unlike him, in the week before Thanksgiving. That turned into bronchitis, then severe congestive heart failure and he was admitted to the hospital the day before Thanksgiving. He actually had a heart attack in the ER waiting to be admitted.

I do not want to spend these days remembering all of that. I want to think about how he is NOW, who he is with NOW, what he is doing NOW, and most of the time I succeed. It helps that I can talk to him, and the Lord lets me know some of Tim's activities these days.

Yesterday afternoon I went to visit Harold for a little while, for an update on his recent photography workshop / trip to the Outer Banks. Afterwards I went and took a couple of photos of trees around town that I liked, then drove to the cemetery and took several photos of the newest flowers (fall colors) I'd put in the vase. I could just hear Tim reiterating that he doesn't like that place!

Recently I made him a promise not to spend much time there, and not to spend much money on flowers in the future. Maybe just when the seasons change I can change the main colors of the arrangement, use the basic greenery and just add a few new ones each time. Eventually, maybe give up even doing that. We'll see.

I promised Angie that I would join the Cox family for Thanksgiving dinner the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving dinner I will be at Shelby's. I am trying not to remember last year's miserable holidays and obey the Lord's - and Tim's - reminders to look forward, not back.

He means well...

The other day an elderly gentleman who has been a typing customer for many years came by to pick up some work. When he was leaving he made a comment about my hair. It was a little longer than I usually wear it and he said he liked it that way. He'd never made any kind of personal comment before so that surprised me. He usually justs asks how my cats are getting along, pays me for the typing and leaves.

Then he added something about eligible gentlemen probably admiring long hair more than short, or something equally irritating to me. I realized that he thought he was being courteous so I just smiled, wished him a good week, and he left.

I did find his attitude offensive, however. I never think about Tim in the past tense, I think of our relationship as a long-distance marriage -- really long-distance -- but ongoing. If that feeling ever changes, then those kinds of comments won't annoy me, I guess.

I spent some time Saturday with Ora Lee out at Bethea. I had bought her a pay-as-you-go cell phone of her own so she could return Dale's to him, then I programmed her family phone numbers into it. I showed her how it worked and it should be easy for her to use. She's now in her own private "Dorm" room with her own belongings, and except for having to use the wheelchair to get to the dining room, seems to be doing much better. She's supposed to be getting a motorized scooter to help her get around by herself. We'll see how that works.

Autumn and orange flowers

I went by the cemetery a couple of weeks ago and checked the summery yellow flowers I had put on Tim's grave. Some were beginning to deteriorate. The brown sunflower centers had become detached from some of them and others were beginning to fade. I took them all out of the vase and turned the vase over, leaving the marker empty of flowers temporarily. I was thinking, fall will soon be here, it's time to put some new ones in anyway...

Suddenly as clear as a bell I could hear Tim say, "Please don't spend a lot of money on more flowers to put out here."

I reminded him once again, "Honey, they aren't for you to look at, they are for other people. Remember what your mom and your Aunt Betty said?"

They had expressed the same sentiments I had, that it looks like people don't care when gravesites have no flowers, or if the flowers haven't been cared for in a while. Even if the families do care, the appearance is that they don't. I just don't want to give that appearance to any visitors.

"Well then, just buy one or two orange ones and use the others that are still good, put them back together and that should be plenty. Okay? Please?"

So I said okay, and that's what I did. I only threw away a few of the flowers after all, the ones that had come apart. Most of the others still looked okay and all of the greenery was fine. I went to Hobby Lobby one afternoon soon after that, picked out a few pretty autumn orange flowers, came home and made a new arrangement. This time I did a better job of getting the stems together, then took some tin foil with me to fill in around the bottom of the vase and drove back over to the cemetery. I like this arrangement better than the yellow one and it should last a good while.

I know Tim really doesn't like that place. I know it's not the kind of scenery he's seeing these days, which is spectacularly beautiful. In my mind I try to visualize what kind of landscape surrounds his new home, but I'm quite sure it's far more gorgeous than anyone here on earth can possibly imagine.

Still, now and then the Lord prompts me to see the beauty right here on earth, and as I see the leaves beginning to take on their fall colors I am so grateful for it. All those greens! All those browns! All those golds! Those sprinkles of orange, and yellow, and red among the greens and browns. How lovely the fall can be.

And all the multitude of shades of green, brown, gold, orange, yellow, and red -- the Master Designer planned every one of them, created them in His mind first, then brought them to life here on earth.

Recently the Lord asked me a question: Have you ever considered leaves? Well, no, not really. Then the thought came to me -- how many different leaves are there in the world? How many shapes? Colors? Shades of green? Type of edges? Sizes? Textures? Thickness?

I started thinking about leaves. Some are pale green, some dark, some are dull and some shiny. Some are thin and some thick, some very large, some very small. Some have sawtooth edges, some are smooth and straight. Some are delicate, nearly transparent. Some are leathery, others velvety to the touch. From broad magnolias to tiny ferns, God designed leaves in an infinite variety then gave them to us. And that's just an infinitesimal fraction of his creation...

He pointed all this out to me that day. He designed, created, and gave these to us, to me, to notice, look at, enjoy, and give Him the glory for. And I do, I am grateful for God's beautifully designed creation all around me, even the artificial likenesses of His autumn flowers and leaves in the vase on Tim's grave marker.

Iceland, without Tim

The end of July, Hans asked me if I would like to go to Iceland. Not just to see Iceland, but to be aboard the Logos II while it was in port there for two weeks. I said yes, and on August 15th I flew out of the Florence airport on my way to Rekjavik. A connecting flight in Atlanta, another one in Boston, then on through several time zones up to the "Top of the World," the "Land of Fire and Ice," the "Land of the Midnight Sun." It was an adventure, to say the least. I have started writing some things down - see my regular website for those stories, www.bettecox.com.

I took the above photos (four merged into one) while standing in the parking lot of the Iceland Coast Guard Station in Rekjavik, just a couple of blocks from where the ship was berthed. It was a clear sunny day and I took the pictures one right after the other, but for some reason unknown to me at this time, the lighting on each shot was slightly different. I still like it.

All the time I was there whether on the ship or off, I could sense Tim with me. The Lord spoke to me a number of times, explaining various things I was seeing, elaborating on what I was seeing or thought I already knew. It is a beautiful, small island nation full of touristy sightseeing spots, such as the geyser, the volcanic section, the places where the tectonic plates of Europe and North America meet, the Blue Lagoon full of geothermically heated hot water, the glacier, and lots of lavender-looking hills. You get a sense of those in this photo.

I was wishing Tim and I had been able to travel together, but I realized that he was seeing all of these interesting things and experiencing the island for himself not limited or hindered in any way. I didn't have to try to describe the indescribable to him, he was perfectly able to take it all in with all his senses! And maybe not for the first time...

So I talked to Tim as I walked around (not out loud of course), talked to the Lord, thanked God I was able to be there, that I had obeyed Him when he told me the first of the year to go get a passport. He created this beautiful place as he did so many others. Man hasn't been able to completely mar His handwork, and it's His pleasure to share it with me.

I believe there will be other trips, other beautiful places God has made that I will get to visit in the days ahead. And I believe Tim and Jesus will be right there with me, wherever that turns out to be. How neat.