No More Night

Happy heavenly birthday, honey!

One more Tanner reunion

I drove down to Hemingway the first Sunday in October to attend the Tanner Reunion one more time. Not for the last time, I hope, but there were only about 25 people there. Although I had taken my camera, I decided not to take any photos, choosing to spend my time talking with people instead. I did take the roll, although I didn't take any minutes.

Mae talked about the family heritage of faith, especially the faith of her parents, similar to the devotion she gave at last year's reunion. Several other people added stories about their own families and faith.

Sam and Bryan were there, Olivia was not. Neither were Dale and Jonathan. Neither were a host of other Tanner relatives of Tim's - but the ones who did come seemed to enjoy being there and the food was good as usual. Mae and Paul were there, despite the fact that their health is not great and driving so far is a strain on them these days. They had driven down a day or two earlier and stayed at the farm.

The place was okay, not great but okay. It was held at the VFW building just outside of town, like last year. There's no place for kids to play, very little yard and what there is has mostly weeds, no grass much. It's also very close to the highway and therefore not really safe for children.

But it was available and has enough space, tables, chairs, and kitchen. The people in attendance discussed several options: suspending any further reunions, moving the place, or moving the date. Those present agreed to leave things as is for another year, same place, same day and date. I thought attendance might be better on a Saturday, but I didn't vote one way or the other.

Anyway, it was good to see people and talk for an hour or two, particularly Sam and Bryan. We sat together for lunch and talked a few minutes about Angie - they don't see her very often at all, even though she is living in the beach house. I hope that situation will improve somehow and she'll become closer to them again one day. It's been a year since I've spoken to her (her choice, not mine) and I really miss her.

I'm glad I went and I'm glad they decided not to stop with the reunions. Betty and Harold plan to have the usual family get together the Saturday after Thanksgiving and it will be down at the farm unless Bryan and Sam decide to host it at McClellanville, which they mentioned doing. I've never been to their house there - it was still under construction when T.C. and Ora Lee died, and that's where they go now for family dinners, etc. I'd like to see it, although that's a pretty long way for me to drive, there and back, for one meal. We'll see.

Suspended

Adjust. Adapt. Evolve. Change. Flex. How many ways can you say move on? I'm thinking about Tim just as much these days as ever, but when I think about him it's with more calm, more peace, more assurance, more confidence, and even more joy. I think it's time to suspend entries in this blog, at least for now.

I do a lot of praying all during the day but those prayers are usually quick, targeted, specific requests. At night after I go to bed, the praying I do is more conversational, two-way, listening much more than talking. Sometimes it's short, sometimes it's lengthy. That all depends on how sleepy I am.

In the last months those bed-time conversations tend to be about current events and end-time prophecies, plus what heaven is like. Heaven's environment, people, hierarchies, activities, technology, size, and specific geographic and cultural differences between heaven and earth.

I hate falling asleep right in the middle of something fascinating - like the images I got the other night of one block in the city, specifically one skyscraper with no outside walls, all the support in the center core and only "heavy air" panels on the outsides (I don't know what else to call them) preventing things from falling out. The designers and architects and builders and decorators of it all work in that building, and they like it.

I have written some of these things down for my own benefit but not in a blog. I may create a blog for it, though. I prayed and asked the Lord about doing that, whether it was a good idea, advisable or not. He isn't saying no. He's sort of leaving it up to me.

If I actually create a blog for these thoughts, I will put a link to it here.

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Okay, I started one. Here's where it is... http://www.speakingofheaven.wordpress.com

Another milestone

This is what Tim's office looked like a couple of years ago, Tim and me, his desk and chair, Smokey jumping off his desk, the desk covered with things Tim used every day including his yellow talking book machine plus green boxes full of tapes.

Hidden behind Smokey on top of the desk are two telephones and several tape recorders containing Tim's "Roladex" of phone numbers and many notes about people and places and things to do.

You can see the pictures on the wall, a filing cabinet and Tim's much-used walker - and there but unseen in this shot is also a comfortable arm chair to the side of the desk. All in all, this room was a welcoming environment for visitors to sit and talk.

It doesn't look much like this any more. Smokey died a year after Tim did and I eventually donated the desk and chair to my son-in-law's brother. A small antique secretary that once belonged to my mother now occupies that spot. There's no desk chair or armchair, just photos of Tim's grandchildren on top of the little desk, plus several pot plants.

The photos are still on the wall, although I may have moved a couple of them around. The filing cabinet is still there too, and along another wall is the large blond oak entertainment center with Tim's reel-to-reel, tape deck, 8-track tape player, and multitude of tapes, cords and paraphernalia inside and on top of it.

No one in the family was interested in that large cabinet, although it was especially made for Tim long before we met and is still in excellent condition. I guess it's just a little too big for most living rooms or dens these days.

June 15th was the one year anniversary of Ora Lee's death, the 2-1/2 year anniversary of Tim's death. Tim's family had a reunion down at the farm last month, on a day when I had to be in Columbia for a Republican Party event. Angie was there, but without the kids - she and Vernie are separated and he didn't want her to take the children to the farm that day for some reason.

I was so sorry about the conflict in the date, I really would have loved to see everyone. I haven't seen most of them since Ora Lee's funeral and only occasionally talk to Betty Gosnell or Bryan on the phone. I miss them.

And I miss Ora Lee. I still miss Tim very much too, but now when I think about the two of them, it's with images of them being busy and productive where they are, spending time with each other and Theron and T.C. and Ninie and so many others.

In a way, getting past June 15th is like passing another milestone. As if I can draw a deep, mostly pain-free breath for the first time in 2-1/2 years. That's a good thing.

Another dimension, aka heaven

Nearly a year has gone by since Tim's nephew T.C. Cox was killed in a car wreck (June 7), and then his grandmother, Tim's mom Ora Lee Cox died a week later (June 15). I think about both of them frequently, not quite as often as I think about Tim, and when I do it's with curiosity, not grief. How has this year been for the both of them? What have they learned? Who have they seen, talked to, visited with, worked with? What do they look like? I think I know that one - they look like mature adults, strong and healthy. Not too young, not too old. Here's some of what I think, from impressions I receive whenever I meditate in prayer about them and their new habitat. T.C. is good with younger children, he always was and still is. He can share his own experiences, helping them get to know Jesus, Father God and Holy Spirit better. He can help mentor the younger newcomers and help them adjust to being without parents - although there are a multitude of "foster" parents available, relatives sometimes, who can fill that role. He can also assist them in learning to use their new capabilities, help with studying and learning the many things they need to know. He can introduce them to other people they need to develop a relationship with. He can show them around, taking them on tours of the many fascinating facilities. He can join them in having fun, too, worshiping and praising and playing and enjoying their new life to the fullest. When I think of T.C., I always think of him smiling and laughing and hugging. Ora Lee has always been a people person and after spending great quantities of time with her mom and dad, sister and brothers, I have a feeling she looked up everyone she knew who was already there, catching up on news with her friends from church and elsewhere, neighbors, cousins, aunts and uncles. I can see her starting a regular gathering - a sharing group - in someone's home. Maybe in her own home, whether that is with Theron or Tim or both of them. Prayer would be her focus, I think. Tim has been there longer, and his activities have been on my mind for all these months. I see him spending time with his friends, Mike, Steve, Allyn, Ann Poston and Hope Love, as well as a number of other men and women who had been through tough times of sickness or disease like he did. I also see him spending time working in a lab of some sort, using new technologies, new information and education and training for his new assignments. Other times I see him exploring mountains and valleys and plains, swimming in lakes and rivers, flying in little one-man aircraft. Sometimes I see him studying in archives and libraries, or sitting in classes indoors and outdoors and asking many questions. I see him wanting to learn and share what he's learned with others. And I see him playing several brass instruments as well as singing with a group of men, worshiping God in small chapels and large auditoriums and wide-open valleys. Sometimes it's hard for me to be satisfied here on earth, I feel like they are accomplishing so much in their dimension and I'm accomplishing so little in mine. As a side note - I don't see heaven as being far away, "up" or any specific direction, actually. I see it as being other. Another. Another dimension, maybe occupying the same space that the planet earth occupies, or space right next to it, for all we know. If we could see how much space there was between the atoms and molecules in a chair, we'd never sit on one. There is more empty space than there is solid matter. So there's plenty of room for more than one existence, more than one real reality to occupy time and space together. It's not really important, but it is an interesting concept. A lot of people are sad when someone they love "dies," as if once the loved one leaves this planet, there is no chance of them ever being happy or fulfilled or excited ever again. What a limited vision! The most true happy, fulfilled, excited life comes when we're settled in our new habitat, learning and working in our new assignment after we leave this planet. So - Happy anniversary, T.C. and Ora Lee. Hope you have a party! I know you're certainly not sad, and we'll try not to be selfishly sad ourselves.

A change of plans

I didn't play for Maundy Thursday service - a meeting was called that I needed to attend. And I didn't drive to the beach on Easter - I still felt tired from being achy, feverish and coughy earlier in the week. So I called Bryan, explained about still recovering from the flu, then we talked for a while about Angie.

Easter I went to Trinity's 11:00 AM service. The service was mostly good but Matt seems to have adopted the Presbyterian "party line." Disappointing, to say the least.

I drove down to Cherry Grove Thursday morning and spent that day, night, and most of Friday with Harold, Mary Lois and Jesse in their nice rented condo. It was so peaceful and calm there, the beach quiet and clean. Thursday afternoon we walked on the beach a while, ate a light lunch, then all of us drove to several stores including all the way to Coastal Grand Mall so Mary Lois could shop for Jesse a new navy blue blazer. After she finally found one at Dillards that fit him, we drove all the way back to Cherry Grove and ate a delicious supper at Olive Garden.

Friday morning Mary Lois and I walked on the beach again, then we all went and played miniature golf, ate lunch at Applebee's and came back to the condo. I watched a little TV while reading a book, while Harold and Mary Lois and Jesse went to look at and photograph a huge sand sculpture close by (a whale and a huge tortoise, very well done). About 4:00 I packed up and came home, as they were expecting Jesse's other grandparents to come up from Charleston for the night. Traffic was heavy and it took a good two hours to get home with no stops on the way.

Saturday I was tired and a little sunburned from walking on the beach without sunscreen. Sunday morning after breakfast I went back to bed and stayed there until after 11:00, reading the newspapers and watching the news.

Today has been an odd sort of day for me. I didn't feel like talking to anyone much, just went to the ships office and did my work, came home for lunch, returned to the ships office and worked a little more. I was polite, spoke to everyone, just didn't have much to say.

I miss Tim. I could talk to him about the way I'm feeling and he would understand. As I thought about all that this afternoon, "Write Write Write" is what I heard in my head, so I am. I'm writing. Maybe this blog is not the best place, but Tim always encouraged me to write, too.

Several subjects for Bible study came to me, as I was meditating. Such as the story of the Prodigal Son. Not the faithful father character, not the prodigal son, not his resentful older brother. No, instead consider the servant who killed the fatted calf. Hmmm.

Second - how many soldiers, when confronted with an enemy, call up the general to come shoot that enemy? That's the way many people pray... I've written about that before, but it's still appropriate.

Then there are all those "If" statements in the Bible. Some things God promises are conditional. Sometimes it IS about me. My response. My obedience. My believing. How many of those "If" statements are there, I wonder? Maybe I'll start looking to see. Doing these Bible studies will help me, they always do.

Easter

I'm not involved in any of the Easter program at church this year -- except for playing for the Maundy Thursday night service, just a couple of hymns.

So this year I'm going to drive down to the beach and attend the Easter Sunday service at Belin United Methodist Church with (Tim's brother) Bryan, Sam and Olivia Cox, and whoever else in the family is there. Sam's parents, her brother and his wife I think all go to that church, so it should be a good day.

Bella's 7th birthday falls on Easter this year. Vernie is now one of my Facebook friends, so I sent him an email asking if they were planning a special party or anything for her. Also, if there was a chance I could see him and/or Angie and the kids while I'm there. I haven't heard anything definite back on that. It would be great to see them all while I'm there.

I had thought about going up to old Salem (Winston-Salem, NC) to the sunrise service there. Tim and I went to that many years ago, when his Uncle Jay was pastor of Home Moravian Church. It was a fascinating service, with brass bands playing antiphonally, marching from all corners of the old historic district to converge together on the grounds of the cemetery. I'll write about that another time, but it was a great day, a spiritually uplifting and joy-filled day.

I decided not to drive all the way up to Salem, choosing rather to spend the day with Tim's family who I have not seen in a long time now. It will soon be the year anniversary of T.C.'s and Ora Lee's death (in June), and I haven't seen T.C.'s grave site, there in the cemetery on the grounds of the church. I think Easter would be an appropriate time to do that. Whenever I think about T.C., I can see him strong and tall in my mind, playing with and teaching small children, smiling and laughing. It's a good image.

Love that elephant!

The last time Tim and I attended our precinct meeting, there was next to nobody there, and certainly nothing fun going on.

It was good to see so many people this time, and to have something fun going on with Ellie the Elephant wandering around, hugging everybody and having his photo taken with many of the people there.

Tim would have loved to have his picture taken with me and the elephant, laughing and joking and hugging. I'm sure he was watching, though.

Yesterday was our 25th Engagement Anniversary, and I thought about all the good times we had together over the years attending political events, working with candidates and going to meetings. I know the ones Tim attends these days are even more fun that the ones I'm attending, but I look forward to pitching in and helping out wherever I can in the days ahead. Love those elephants!

Getting back into some things

Lots of the photos I have are not in digital form. That is, I have actual prints of photographs from the old-style 35 mm. film, taken in the days before digital cameras came out. One of them are of political events going back to the early 1990's, when Tim and I first started working with campaigns. I think I may scan some of them so I can upload a few here and there.

After Tim died I more or less dropped out of working in politics. I did go to one state executive committee meeting in Columbia when Rudy Guiliani and other GOP big-wigs were there, and a couple of other meetings for various candidates around the same time. That was before the SC Presidential Primary.

But it's nearly time for precinct reorganization, something we never missed over the years, and then the Florence County GOP Convention, and then the State Convention. A group of younger Republicans are interested in helping revive the party locally and asked if I would come back and get involved, so I agreed.

Any information or advice I can offer, I'll be glad to give them. They are too new to the process to be discouraged and disillusioned, which means they are still energetic. They remind me of the way Tim and I were, back when we first started working with a few local campaigns. I pray they won't drop out as fast as they dropped in, which is always a worry.

And I pray for myself, too, that every time somebody mentions Tim and how much they thought of him, how much they miss him, it won't do me in. I'm better in that regard but occasionally a comment will still hit my heart and hurt, it feels so strange to be out there by myself.