Feeling "out of it"

I'm over it now, for the most part. As I thought about what I'd written below, I remembered some conversations I've had with people in the past. People who were sure I was "perfect," "perfectly adjusted," "doing really great," and who had no idea that wasn't the case 100% of the time. So I'm adding this little paragraph, although not deleting the rest of the post below, to mitigate some of the negative emotions emanating from the following...

It probably seemed like a good idea to the young people and the POW's at my church. That stands for people of wisdom, although I have my doubts... when you keep doing the same thing hoping to get different results, what does that make you? Not wise.

Their idea was to have a combined dinner for the two groups so they could get to know each other better and hopefully so the older folks' wisdom would rub off on the younger folks. I hadn't planned to attend but reluctantly agreed after getting a phone call specifically asking me to be there. I shouldn't have done it.

As I sat there eating and listening with no-one paying much attention to me, I realized how out of it I actually am. Any conversation I participated in, I had to initiate. Any questions asked, I had to ask. That gets old.

The evening was probably okay for most of those present but it was not okay for me. It was just same old-same old, more of the same kind of event that Tim and I used to tolerate at church and elsewhere. It was the reason why we stopped participating in many social events; they were so one-sided that it was hurtful to Tim, and to me.

It would be so nice to have someone ask "How are you" and then wait to hear the answer. Usually the asker is only waiting to tell me how they are, sometimes in great detail, and doesn't care at all how I am. I am interested in other people, that's not the point. It would just be nice to have that interest reciprocated once in a while.

I made myself a promise. I obviously need new acquaintances from somewhere. People who will ask "How are you" and really want to know. The next time I meet someone like that, I will find out where they go to church and then go visit that church.

Old friends get in touch

I received two phone calls in the last couple of weeks from friends of Tim's. One was Frank Chestnut, a fellow from Kingstree, also blind, who played popular and gospel music at a local fish restaurant in Kingstree for a long time. He also worked in a regular job, I've forgotten just where. He and Tim used to stay in touch and we visited in his home shortly after he got married several years back. He is retired completely now and keeps up with the news on his talking computer.

But somehow he'd never known that Tim died until he read Ora Lee's obituary in the Kingstree News and learned that she was predeceased byTheron, Tim and T.C. He was so sad that he hadn't known it earlier and called to offer his sympathy. I was in no shape to talk to him very long, though, and he asked if he could call again one day. I said yes, certainly, and maybe I'll actually call him first. I would like to keep in touch and forgot to ask if he had an email address.

Another call was from Paulette Evans, an old girlfriend of Tim's. She and Tim kept in touch over the years - as I've said before, Tim still had every friend he'd ever made, even his old girlfriends!

She knew Tim had died but for whatever reason hadn't sent a card or called at that time. She lives in Walterboro, teaches school, reads several newspapers and had seen Ora Lee's obituary in one of them, I guess. She told me she knew how good I was for Tim, and how much I meant to him. I know she and Tim had talked over the years very occasionally, and once in a very long while she would send him a card or a note, marking a birthday or Christmas or something.

I thanked her for the call, and made a note of her phone number. It was good to speak to her, since I had tried to locate her address after Tim died and couldn't find it.