Thanks Giving; "Think" Giving

Setting apart one day a year to Giving Thanks is not just an American tradition, other countries do it too, thanking God for many things - food, clothes, family, freedom, houses, cars, jobs. As I look back over the past few days, I realize that we often give thanks for what we've got from one side of our mouth and complain about what we haven't got out of the other side of our mouth. I'm just as guilty of that as anybody else.

This year Tim's mom Ora Lee was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving -- just as last year, Tim was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. It was a horribly bittersweet memory.

She was suffering from fluid retention, her legs very swollen, her heart and kidneys showing the signs of disease. That's what was happening to Tim last year. Sympathy ailment? No, she really does have heart disease and her one kidney isn't working 100% well.

Ora Lee had been in the hospital a few weeks earlier with the same symptoms, treated with IV Lasix, her medications adjusted and she was doing much better, everyone thought. She was looking forward to being with her family down at the Hemingway farm on Saturday after Thanksgiving.

But the improvement didn't last long, the same symptoms returned, so back to the hospital for more IV Lasix, more medication adjustment. She's back home at Bethea again now, released yesterday morning, but not feeling quite strong enough to make the trip down to the farm. So most of her family that were at the farm have been up to see her instead, which works out better for her.

In the back of my mind, I can't help but remember last year, and the "thinking" is requiring some discipline. The Lord (and I believe Tim) keeps telling me, just get through it and get past it, and the way to do that is by frequently reminding myself, "Look forward, not back."

I went out this afternoon, planning to go to Hobby Lobby and buy a few plastic or silk poinsettias to take to the cemetery, but they're closed on Sundays. Good for them. So I went to Toys R Us instead and bought Liam a birthday present. He'll be 3 on December 11th. I got several stuffed toys - a gray life-like, life-size bunny rabbit, a solid white one, and a soft stuffed Ratatouille toy - Emile the Rat.

I'll send Liam one of those (probably the gray rabbit) along with a card and a check so Angie can use the money to help with his birthday party. I'm not sure what I'll do with the other toys, but they were so cute I couldn't resist. Especially Emile!

I remember a stuffed life-like, life-size dog (terrier) I got one year, and how much that one toy meant to me. I'm not sure how old I was, probably still in grammar school. I talked to him like I would a person. Dolls didn't seem life-like, so although I enjoyed playing with dolls, that stuffed dog was a bit more important. I have no idea what happened to it over the years, but I thought about that dog and his being very life-like in size and appearance when I saw the bunny rabbits.

Liam has so many toys he probably won't really appreciate this one, but I'll like thinking about it being there in his collection.

Last year, Tim got a chance to talk to Liam on the Tuesday before he fell on Wednesday, although the conversation between Tim and 2-year old Liam was a bit hard to understand. He'd had a birthday party and Tim was asking him if he'd had a good time, that sort of thing, and Liam chattered away in 2-year old.

Tim was very glad he'd had the chance to talk to him on the phone, because we had not been able to go down there. Tim was simply too sick still for us to drive to the beach.

This year Tim can see Liam, he can even attend the birthday party and watch for himself how much fun he has, and that's something I can think about with a smile.

I do give thanks that I know where Tim is, that he's healthy, very busy, observing and interceding for me, for Angie and Vernie, Bella and Liam, Ora Lee and all the rest of the family, and that we're still a team.

That's always something good to think about.

It's hard for me to look forward to the holidays...

I'm having a hard time looking forward to the holidays suddenly. Christmas decorations are going up in the stores, some even went up before Halloween. Now Halloween is over, Thanksgiving is coming up and suddenly it's hard for me not to be sad. I'm having to work at it.

Whenever someone asks me how I'm doing I try to always say "I'm doing good." And that's usually true, whether I feel good physically or emotionally or not, my spirit is usually okay. I know the kind of life Tim has now and in some ways I'm very jealous. He has no worries and no pain. He has so many friends and family to spend time with, besides having Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit to "bum around with." And he has quite a lot to do, varied activities and assignments that are fascinating and wonderful.

Last year this time Tim was having more and more trouble physically, his heart and breathing were giving him more and more problems, and although he tried really hard to always be upbeat and cheerful, I knew he didn't feel good. He developed a cold, unlike him, in the week before Thanksgiving. That turned into bronchitis, then severe congestive heart failure and he was admitted to the hospital the day before Thanksgiving. He actually had a heart attack in the ER waiting to be admitted.

I do not want to spend these days remembering all of that. I want to think about how he is NOW, who he is with NOW, what he is doing NOW, and most of the time I succeed. It helps that I can talk to him, and the Lord lets me know some of Tim's activities these days.

Yesterday afternoon I went to visit Harold for a little while, for an update on his recent photography workshop / trip to the Outer Banks. Afterwards I went and took a couple of photos of trees around town that I liked, then drove to the cemetery and took several photos of the newest flowers (fall colors) I'd put in the vase. I could just hear Tim reiterating that he doesn't like that place!

Recently I made him a promise not to spend much time there, and not to spend much money on flowers in the future. Maybe just when the seasons change I can change the main colors of the arrangement, use the basic greenery and just add a few new ones each time. Eventually, maybe give up even doing that. We'll see.

I promised Angie that I would join the Cox family for Thanksgiving dinner the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving dinner I will be at Shelby's. I am trying not to remember last year's miserable holidays and obey the Lord's - and Tim's - reminders to look forward, not back.