Some folks don't want to understand, I think

I got another phone call this afternoon wanting to know how I'm doing, a gentleman with a very sympathetic tone to his voice expecting to hear me respond with self-pity, I'm sure. He seemed disappointed when I didn't. When I tell some people that I'm really doing fine, they seem puzzled and even annoyed. They seem to think I am not missing Tim as much as I should, I'm not as sad as I should be, not the loving spouse/widow I should be. They don't get it. And I don't like having to try to explain and listen to their doubtful expressions in reply.

Tim's physical body is gone, but he's not gone. He's not dead in the true sense of the word, he's more alive than I am. He can go more places, see more things, do more activities, and understand far more than any still-on-the-earth-in-this-life Christian can possibly understand.

I certainly do miss Tim's physical presence with me, but I am really doing fine most of the time. Late afternoons and evenings are the worst times of the day for me, when the aloneness seems to be stronger. That's when I talk to the Lord about it, talk to Tim about it, and it's much better.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and almost got through the trip without thinking about all the stuff I no longer buy. I did point out to Tim that my tastes in breakfast food have changed, that I mostly eat cereal these days, not much in the way of bagels and cream cheese. He seemed to be telling me that I needed some variety, so I went ahead and bought some of those. We'll see how long it takes me to eat them... I didn't see anyone I knew and I was grateful for that.

I did skip the Powers family reunion, though. I left church after Sunday School with intentions of picking up some Kentucky Fried Chicken and heading to the reunion, but the more I thought about it the less inclined I was to go. I realized that Uncles Charlie, Mike and Palmer and families were going to be there and I would have liked to see them, but I just couldn't do it.

So I just came home, cooked myself a pot of chili, ate lunch, watched some TV, worked on emails, did some blogging, and read a lot. I don't know if we had the small group last night but yesterday was very stormy and I had no inclination to drive in a lot of wind, so I didn't.

I find myself not wanting to do much when the weather is bad, just hibernate with a book and an old television movie or something. The clouds are mostly gone today but it's still pretty windy and the windows rattle with it. So I haven't done much today either, just a little work on a client's typing, a little email, a little blogging, a little reading, a little news on TV...

I'm glad I know Tim is having a blast, learning, doing, anticipating. Knowing about all that is the reason I can truthfully say I'm doing fine, most of the time.